Almost all people at some point feel that their parents are putting too much pressure on them. But not all oppressive parents are created equal. And if some do it very rarely (in extreme, let's say, situations), then others do it all the time. Moreover, if we are talking about parents of the second type, then this control continues in adulthood too.
In a commentary for Refinery29, family therapist Esther Boykin says the controlling parents are those who “Leaves no room for their children in their own emotional experience and does not allow them to develop a sense of autonomy”. And he adds that this approach is naturally transferred to adulthood, but it will not determine your relationship with your parents if you know how to solve the problem.
A look into the past
“The difference between controlling parents and parents who just sometimes take care of the child a little more than necessary, can only be seen when the transitional age is reached. At this age, as a rule, children seek their own way and try to be as independent as possible. ”- explains Boykin.
So if you had restrictions on what you could do as a teenager, most likely your parents were just overly controlling. Looking back at the past, it’s not very simple, but quite possible - try it.
Boykin notes that it can be difficult to recognize the difference at the moment, as the controlling parents could influence how you view your autonomy, including, but there is nothing strange or scary to raise this issue with your parents, even if you have been have grown.
In adulthood, the ways parents seek to keep their children under control change. It can be help in paying for tuition, housing and a car, but always with some conditions. For example, if the apartment the child is renting will be in the area where they live. “And if you refuse to do as they want, you feel guilty”- adds the expert.
How to build a conversation
But there is still hope for a healthy relationship with definitely one of the closest people in your life. To do this, it’s important to understand how much and how often parents interfere in your life. So, if we are talking about random comments on the phone, then phrases “I don’t think it’s normal that you make decisions for me.” may be enough.
But if you find that controlling parents influence your life on a wider scale, you may need to have a serious discussion on the topic. “Be extremely specific about behavior that you will no longer accept.”“- Boykin advises, adding that you should not ask your parents why they do this at all (almost always they do it with good intentions, so your questions will hurt them).
If your parents do not want to hear you, then it will be useful for you to visit a psychotherapist with them. A radical, but extremely effective method.
6 reasons for excessive parental control
The culprits of such a relationship are not only parents who are overly protective of their already matured children, but also children who take excessive custody and control:
- Many, of course, already in adolescence begin to discourage excessive parental control, look for their own life path, make their mistakes, correct them independently, and some still allow parents to make decisions for them, to participate in all aspects of life, it's so comfortable and easier. And so it can go on at 20, at 30 and at 50, while parents are able to take care and control their child.
- But there are families where rigidity of education, imperious submission of children lifestyle and life rules, so people from such families are constantly forced to report to their elders or to hide their personal lives.
- In fact, there are many reasons for total parental control. Sometimes, parents are just afraid to grow old and unnecessary therefore, they remind themselves of themselves, supposedly taking care, daily, delving into everything, giving advice.
- Things are worse if parents are owners and are not sure of the strengths of their beloved child, underestimate his abilities. There is always an excuse here that they lived their lives, they know how it will be better, of course, they will not advise bad people, forcing the matured person to still obey and obey, acting according to their principles.
- And some parents simply because of their own egoism try to realize their unfulfilled dreams and decisions come to life through your child. Then, from adolescence, care begins to grow into imposing their ideas and decisions on him, parents become constant advisers and, in practice, live life with their children.
- Another important reason for total control is financial dependence. Adults, as a rule, believe that if you can’t provide for yourself, then you don’t get on your feet and have not reached an independent age, so you need help, support, which is hidden behind control.
Ways to get out of parental control
But it is possible, and, most importantly, necessary to fight this suffocating parental care and love, because no one has the right to live your life for you and manage it, even your relatives.
Sometimes, of course, passivity and the desire to give their lives in reliable parental hands are hidden behind the disturbances of a controlled person, in order to protect themselves from troubles and failures, but if the decision to get out of control is firm, then it must be immediately followed by actions:
- The first step and, according to the advice of psychologists, very effective, can be conversation with parents. Here it is necessary to provide compelling reasons for your independence and independence without shouting accusations and tantrums. Parents should understand that you have an adult life with your goals, principles, but you in no way delete them from it. You are always ready to accept help in isolated cases or to listen to advice.
- Frequent phone calls We also decide and, by no means, turn off the phone, but agree and determine the time of communication. Try to call yourself more often, being interested in the affairs and health of your father, mother, grandmother or grandfather. Try to get your parents busy with something to fill in their free time that they used to spend on controlling you.
- If you live together it makes sense to separate by moving to a separate living space. Of course, at first it will be difficult for them and you, but such a step will bring its results. Since at a distance it is easier to reconsider relations with each other, test your strengths and prove your independence.
- Try to gradually increase the distance between you and your parentscreating your own personal space, because it’s not always necessary to devote them to your affairs. Learn autonomy and responsibility, both for your actions and for their consequences. Do not try to evaluate the world with parental standards, you should have your own opinion and opinion, which you must learn to present.
- And of course financial independence and the ability to arrange your life will be another important condition for getting out of total control.
Over time, parents will have to accept your independence and autonomy. Sometimes, of course, their guardianship may be unbearable, but do not forget, they still love you.
It’s important to understand: parents love you
Remember that even strict parents really love their children. They overly control the child because they are worried and afraid that if someone else controls the children, something could happen to them.
A young man should never think that he is under someone else’s authority, even if these are your parents. It is normal for young people to live with their parents even after they come of age. But some parents still experience a personal internal crisis that forces them to dominate and control matured children. Most parents really love their children, but because of their own insecurity, they cannot allow their children to live on their own or even express their own opinions. If a teenager understands the motives of his parents who overly control him, this will help him better survive a difficult situation. So, how to cope with the strict control of strict parents?
Method number 2. Determine your fear factor
Are you afraid that your mom and / or dad do not love you anymore, because they constantly control you? You do not want to talk to them for fear of enduring long, boring lectures? Are you afraid of your mom or dad? Do you feel relieved when no one is home? If one of the parents inspires you more fear than other people, then you really have authoritarian parents.
Method number 3. Ask yourself maybe your parents are perfectionists
Often, strict parents are true perfectionists. Their desire to do everything better than everyone and to be the best drives us crazy, angry and upset. No matter how hard we try to work, they are never satisfied. There is nothing wrong with insisting on perfection or doing any job perfectly, but it seems to the teenager that no matter how hard he tries, he will never be perfect in the eyes of his parents.
In other words, you never get just praise from your parents, it is always followed by “but” or “except.” For example: “Yes, you made a beautiful model, if it weren’t for this incorrectly painted part, it would be beautiful” Accept their desire to dilute the compliment with an unpleasant “but” just as a character trait, then you can take any assessment of your parents more calmly.
Method number 4. Pay attention, maybe parents see you as competitors
Some parents, believe it or not, are quite competitive with their children. In other words, the father sees that his sons are growing, and suddenly realizes that they become his competitors in some activities. To maintain his Alpha status, a father can act as if he is competing with his growing sons. It is important to understand the motives for this behavior of the father (or mother) and just speak frankly with them.
Method number 5. Do not take things parents
Mom’s cosmetic bag, dad’s car ... Parents can be trembling with their personal belongings and get very angry when their children use them as their own. If your parents are upset when you shift things on their desk, take their clothes, or just a stack of magazines that dad used to see on his TV armchair, just don’t touch them. You are dealing with parents who value their own space the most. Do not be surprised that they are angry when they see that their things are out of place. Be honest with yourself - do you put your parents things back, or just throw them somewhere? If you take care of your parents' things, they will notice your accuracy and be sure to appreciate.
Method number 6. Observe if their personal status is important to parents
The controlling person is often not self-confident. Maybe your parents have a habit of showing off? "Yes, it costs a lot of money, but I earn so much that I can afford it." Reminding people about how much money they earn, your parents practice a peculiar way of establishing control, which allows them to feel calmer and more confident in society. If you have witnessed such a situation, just do not argue. This is a way to attract attention to yourself.
Method number 7. Answer the question if your parents acknowledge your successes or failures.
The controlling person basically associates the successes and failures of their children with their own. By controlling their teenage children, they want to help you avoid the mistakes they made. If you got confused, brought the wrong assessment home, and your parents scolded you for it, maybe even justifiably, they expressed their grudge for your mistakes. Not because they condemn you, but because they are very worried about their children. In your opinion, you have made every effort to get the highest score in a subject that has never been your favorite. But it didn’t work out.
In the minds of your parents, this situation is unacceptable. The fact that your parents scold you for a bad assessment means that they perceive your failure as their personal defeat. Do not fight this. Be polite and compassionate, and remember - most of what happens to your parents says a lot about them. Be guided by your observations and learn to speak frankly with your parents about how you feel after their actions. Then they will also understand you better.